never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
