I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
