the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
