8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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