I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
