I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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