Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
