so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
