I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
