I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just high enough for therapy.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
