I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
