I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
