Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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