just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
