So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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