the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
