I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just gargled with NyQuil
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
