we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
