Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
