Where did you get a picture of my penis
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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