Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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