Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Drake has all the answers
Randomize
