There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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