I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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