when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
