god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Randomize
