Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
