the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
