there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
