he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
