Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
