Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
