i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
