He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
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Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
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Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
jump out the window naked night went bad
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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