i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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