And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
