I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
