I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
