Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
