I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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