glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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