god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
