So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
