I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
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He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
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My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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