remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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