Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
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You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
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I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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