god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
