I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
