i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
