I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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