I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
