I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
