Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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