I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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