i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
