I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
